maybe I've just avoiding for quite a while. not a maybe, maybe. it must have been that I've been avoiding. as I sat with Mum just a few minutes ago for dinner, I was glad. I was glad that she shared with me what was going on, why she was upset. I couldn't help but agree with her on the matter. but I had not wanted her to go on any further than that.

she did, nonetheless, and the scariness of reality hit me hard in the face. literally, my heart grew cold on the spot, my hands shook. I didn't want to show it; I decided I'd to be strong in front of my parents, my sister. Mum went a step further upon seeing that I didn't make a move to leave the table.

of the three things she talked about today, the last hurt me the most, as if plunging a knife deep in my heart and never going to pull it out again.

as a child, I'd always wanted to be her. walk like her, talk like her, learn like her, do the things she did. always, I'd wanted to stay with her.

but somehow in those growing up years, I'd strayed. I began to see the flaws and the cracks, the stupid mistakes that I'd somehow known I shouldn't do the same way. many a time, I'd get angry at her inside, and I'd imagine about how I'd be able to put her in place and change everything... but I'd never say it. because somehow I just knew that it'd never be my turn to say it. I'd never even make it past the first words. then suddenly, I just didn't want to be her anymore.

I tried to go my own road, tried to do things my own way. I'd tried to get the attention they showered her with, I'd tried to go the complete opposite direction. I didn't want to be compared to her anymore. I'd come to hate being compared to her, despised it so, and I still do now.

I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to anger.

I've been fighting the whole time just to be recognised for being me in my family. I don't want to be seen as a mini-her. but in a family, we're always linked to each other. it runs in the blood, after all.

so I'll always be compared to her even if I don't want to.

in other news, there's a new Hong Kong drama on cable TV about lawyers and how they fight for justice. despite how films and shows aren't real and tend to over-exaggerate things, there's one thing for certain: they exaggerate things that already exist.

in just the first 15 minutes of the show, I'd seen, once again, how ready and how established the social services in Hong Kong are. I'm thoroughly amazed.

one day, I hope Singapore will be there as well, reaching out to those in need as readily.