368; numbered
Thursday, 1 March 2012 @ 1:03 am
somehow finding strength from somewhere (pure will, stubbornness, God, I dunno), just somewhere, to cut myself off from everything. deactivations put in place, keeping only the bare minimum. not even bothering to talk to anyone else other than the usual close ones just because... just because, I guess.
desperately trying to change my own thoughts, lifestyles, whatsoever. to tell myself that I'm not as worthless, that I'm valued, somehow or another. but I don't know. things just make it seem so otherwise.
tell myself to do more for people, yet hold back because somewhere deep inside with all the other feelings I'd thought I'd thrown away, I'd felt that whatever I'd be doing or whatever I'd done, just isn't worth a single damn thing to anyone and that no one would even remember what I'd done for them anyway.
hate myself for thinking so. hate myself so much for thinking so. my heart's aching to just... let go of everything, all these stupid self-defeating thoughts, but just... every single time they bounce back, just when I'd thought I'd let go of it.
so sick and tired of just sitting by myself and crying in the dark. so sick and tired of holding back tears every single time something happens. so annoyed at all the stupid triggers here and there, everywhere.
breaking myself down bit by bit, yet trying not to break things down the other direction.
forcing myself to let go of those things. wanted to scratch the back of my hands raw so badly yesterday, yet forced myself not to.
I want to surrender everything, everything. yet some part of me is just holding on so so tightly, everything hurts.
Labels: emo, reflections
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