after this week (or these weeks)... I'm in a state of complete numbness and doubt.

 

basically to say, I'm thrust into a state whereby I completely doubt everything and everyone, except maybe those whom still tried to help.

the events that have passed were just... such a blur. and every event and every little thing probably contributed to where I am now. I'm floating without direction in life, I don't know what to expect anymore.

I'd expected so damn much in the beginning, but I guess the higher you expect, the harder you fall. which is why expectations kill. I would try to stop myself, but I'm only human.

 

I've gone through disappointment after disappointment, irritation after irritation, heartache after heartache.

the tears I held on to so tightly fell like rain and wouldn't stop that night.

it hurts loads and spurs a lot of thought each time it happens, and I try to stop myself from feeling that way and look for alternatives which often fail as well.

 

but I guess it doesn't really matter. nothing ever did. nothing about me, at least.

hence the numbness.

 

it's not that I'm not fighting anymore, and it's not that I'm retreating and moving myself backwards. I'm just... at this standstill.

a standstill whereby, until something or someone comes along showing me the worth in my continuous and all out fighting for a better future again, will then vanish and become just a phase I went through in the past.

so I guess, if nobody's giving a shit, and nobody's going to do anything that's lasting enough, then I'll be right here standing. long enough, and I'll be there, but hidden among the trees that've grown around.

until then. until then.

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