this was probably the camp with the biggest ever impact on me in my entire history. it is also the one and only camp I have ever shed tears and felt so sad to part with the group, which was more than I could ever ask for and the only thing that didn't hurt me in the entire being of the camp.

several lessons learnt over the past few days. I would note everything down here, but I just know these words would never catch what I really, truly mean. so I guess all that will be written down here... single words and random thoughts and reflections yet again.

one. acceptance; probably the word that rang every minute I was present in the camp. acceptance of how things were, acceptance of myself, acceptance of what I was going through, acceptance of what's up ahead, acceptance of each situation present.

admittedly, I definitely wasn't pleased in the initial stages. but when we broke camp, I saw that everything was basically a blessing in disguise.

I could never have asked for a better group; with majority coming from Basic A classes and only 3 from Basic B and above, I learnt as much as the Basic A's learnt from me. though having a slightly rocky and very much silent beginning, our ending, albeit (still) slightly awkward yet extremely emotional, was nothing short of perfect to me.

the attachments formed, the learning interaction between all the members, and last and the most important, the acceptance; the hand that reached out to everyone who was far ahead or lagging way behind in the team.

I couldn't have asked for better Group Leaders than the two we had. it was my mistake in the first place to have underestimated them. they have most certainly excelled in their own, unique ways and have my utmost respect for their leadership throughout this camp. leading on all the cheering, pushing on even though sick and coughing ever so badly, trying their very hardest as a first-time GL and being slightly lacking in terms of ability to sign well. true that there were times where I disagreed with their leading styles, but truly, I could not have asked for anything better out of them.

I had a great experience with this group. my group became my shield; almost always dispelling the pains I felt throughout this entire camp from time to time immediately. they became my support; obviously seeing and knowing that each and every one member was so vastly different from another, physically, mentally, attitude and nature-wise, yet all managed to come together at the end of the day and learnt a great deal from each other. I am that much thankful for that.

two. trust & respect; two simple words, yet having so much meaning now for a GL that took my team.

I tried hard not to shed tears at the end of the camp. but having held everything in for the entire duration of the camp without having anyone to talk to about it, I'd contemplated hard during the third day, and I took the plunge, feeling that regardless of his status anywhere else in the club, I being his camper, needed to let him know. I'm glad I did.

I had wanted to put it out during our last debrief as a group; I'd wanted to let each and every member of the group know how much they have impacted me, how much I'd learnt from them, how much they mean to me. but I guess at the end of the day, I didn't because it was much too personal.

our sharing at the end, haha, despite my unglam tears and the laughter about how everything in the camp was that much funny no matter how much it hurt me, made me have just that much respect and support for him now. I guess, after seeing things from only one side for so long, I finally came into contact with and caught a glimpse of how things are from the other side.

I don't know how to put it into flowery words and niceties since everything's jumbled up inside but... simply put, I've a new found respect for him. and that I'd fight for him should the need arises.

three. the only thing that bothered me; the one that upset me most throughout the entire camp.

we used to be close at the beginning of the semester. I'd thought I'd found someone, an older sister perhaps, in the community, along with a "family". but then...

maybe it was my fault. I guess it was since I didn't know my place? but I don't know. my tears had stopped last night, but then as I sat at the back of the LT for just a little while and you came out of the door, more tears flowed and my heart hurt even more. the complete lack of acknowledgement and the silence just pierced through me.

I don't know what I can do to make up for what happened. I really don't. not unless you tell me, which I just know you would never ever, not in a million years. I get so afraid when you're around, simply because of your coldness and the lack of acknowledgement. maybe I don't even look or seem like a human in your eyes anymore.

during the performance, you were sitting right in front of me, yet you did not ever looked at me. I guess this really makes me a failure in a way huh? my previous instructing partner's constant denial and lack of acknowledgement for me as his previous partner, and my own instructor's complete lack of acknowledgement for me as a person, as a student.

haha, this camp's taught me so much. but yet, in the process, I found myself losing so much that used to be there. it's a status difference, I guess. or maybe I'm just not that like-able for the group of you.