saying no expectations lead to no disappointments; maybe it's true after all. placed my hopes in a basket, hoped and believed (damn it, I'd believed yet again) that it'll come true, but in the end met with nothing but a heavy heart in pieces. 

hit rock bottom again, I guess. sometimes I wonder, is it because I'm just not good enough? not good enough in terms of what I do, or perhaps as a friend. maybe it's my fault all over again; for not making the effort to build relationships and connections with people, which eventually caused me to lose out to others all the time. 

hate myself for comparing so much. hate myself for hating myself that much. trying to self-talk myself out of it doesn't seem so effective at the moment. trying out of whatever therapies I've read about in the books or the internet don't seem to have any effect. it's getting tiring, thinking about so much, doing so much. holding myself back, restraining, limiting everything that I want to say, need to say, wish to say. 

frustrations slowly building up bit by bit.


so many that held on to it. it was tight and warm and safe, but it lasted only for a little while.

and now, all at once, they let go. so what am I to do now?