358; chompz
Sunday, 29 January 2012 @ 12:53 pm
we must accept infinite disappoint, but never lose infinite hope - Martin Luther King Jr.
the end of some difficult 3 weeks. group assignments day after day, individual assignments coming in after. thought I would have been burnt out already by now, but somehow... feeling slightly refreshed. a gasp of fresh air after being submerge for those 3 weeks.
can across the quote above while I searched for pictures on 'disappointment'. somehow it really caught my eye. realised how disappointed I've been with myself lately, with the way I look at my friendships, with the way I do my work.
some stuff came up lately. it made me challenge my take on close friendships. pretty much, I'd come to look at such a friendship for myself as a short-lived one. already toward the end the 2nd year in poly, and already, 8 of these somewhat close friendships had simple drifted away and/or completely vanished, lasting only sometime between 6 months to a year.
I don't know if it was something I did, or something that happened. I'd feel hurt as I sensed it coming, and then in it's final drifting stages where contact between us would be at a level zero. and then I'd question myself all over again, what did I do such that this is no more? then came self-blame.
January's ending. it's been so quick, and now there's only 11 months left in the year.
I'd crossed into 2012 with a heavy heart. decided to mend and fix things up between as many as possible in the new year, yet as already the first month has gone by, nothing has been done.
so many overdue presents and birthday notes. so much I want to say, yet don't know how to say, who to say it to. wondering how much I can put into a note, even the largest note size I'll ever write at A4 doesn't seem to be enough. or maybe just that my pen doesn't want to translate my thoughts into a physical form.
even if I do get down to doing it, I'd fear and fret on how to give it.
I'd have the desire and the mindset to do something, but I'd just never get down to doing it. so frustrated getting stuck in this cycle. I'm not getting anything done, just going round and round and considering all the possibilities that aren't going to get me anywhere because they're my possibilities and not any of those that could even play out.
with the year progressing at this rate, I'm afraid of what's to come, of what's going to be lost. it's just in that period of 6 months to a year, and to be very honest, I really really don't want to lose the close ones I have now. it's daunting to see the signs repeat and play over again now.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. - 2 Timothy 1:7just a couple of weeks more... and then I'll start moving, start fixing. undauntedly.
Labels: emo, reflections
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