first was the messages I saw in the morning that evoked such concern, disappointment, and frustration in me that I never knew would appear because of those few messages. second was... I guess just the outing itself. while it was fun, there strangely were some things that simply made me doubt myself so much more than I already do. and then third was the most crushing, which occurred when I returned home. the words that were said to me, the words that I replied with, the actions.

I can't say how sorry I am. sorry for making them angry, sorry for myself for letting them slip through my hands.

I hate it that it's all hurting me so much. I hate how no matter how much everyone says it isn't my fault, I always turn around and feel that it is. I hate how both of them ignore me so much now. I hate how it seems like I don't mean anything to them. I hate how I've let them down. I hate how these tears go on unnoticed. I hate how I'm unable to say the words I want to say.

maybe really... I deserve all this for what I've done before. I'll take it all, all the blame, everything. just... don't ignore me, please. I beg you.